Raving Sober
The blood rushing through my veins as I was bouncing and swaying under strobe lighted tent. My face gleaming with excitement of finding a place where people flew their freak flags high with no shame. I felt like a butterfly hatching from her cocoon. Raves became my oasis from the real world. I never wanted to leave, so I stayed until I was spat out into sobriety. I took a break from going back to the rave world, at first in fear of temptation. As months went by I realized it was not the drugs I was afraid of, it was the fear of finding out that raves were not an oasis and I was no longer a butterfly without the drugs. This summer I got to test this theory. I was hired to work as a production assistant at two of the biggest named raves in Southern California. My fear of the rave culture not being the same after being sober was true but instead of being sad I was relieved at my newfound perspective. I saw the people, music, and myself in a whole new light.
Before attending the event I did not think seeing strangers on drugs would affect me but as I was walking around the grounds I saw in others what I use to look like. It was the look of death and depression hidden behind an illusion of ecstasy. I felt like my higher being was showing me these people to feel grateful for my newfound life. To see that the ecstasy I use to feel was really just drowning out a pain deep inside. It was refreshing to not judge people for being on drugs but instead seeing these people as inspiration to keep living a life of sobriety. I wanted to look into people’s eyes and tell them this life style is not worth putting your body and soul at risk. But as a junky myself, I knew then and there was not the right moment to go all sober living on them. So I decided to enjoy the number one thing that always kept me coming back to raves, the music.
Despite the majority of people being drunk or high we all still shared one common element, the music. In the moments that I would get lost to the music is when all of a sudden I was no longer surrounded by zombies but by smiling people with love in their hearts. Seeing people dance and smile reminded me of why I originally fell in love with raves. I was lost in such a fog of drugs for a while that I forgot to be silly with others. For a while I got so caught up in putting on a show for people while I danced that, it was not about me but about all of us having fun together. And in that moment I could feel my butterfly wings regrowing.
This butterfly I keep referring to is the name my rave sister calls me whenever she tries to explain who I am. After going to a rave sober I realized what she saw in me had nothing to do with the drugs but my soul. I was still flying all over the dance floor in hopes of meeting new people to dance and smile with. I did not need any mind-altering substances to feel free and open. It is not as easy to show love but I know it is because of a guard I have put up in this past year of sobriety. I know that my soul is meant for loving and I have begun to learn to love again through my true self. This discovery made me want to continue to bring my butterfly energy out into the world.
Being a full on rave kid is a part of my life I will never regret. Of course I wish I could take some of those brain cells back but I probably would still be stuck in my cocoon. Safe to say raving sober has major benefits, not only no hangovers but you get to see and feel with all your senses being alive. I hope to one day go to an event as big as these raves but be surrounded by people who choose to be sober. Even if for a day so we can experience the joy of humanity, music, and all of us being butterflies together. Being sober does not mean we have to live in fear, it means we have the strength of our higher power to be as fun as we always have been and more.
