Not So Sober Birthday Behavior
Most eleven year olds probably dream of having Barbie parties or going to a theme park for their birthdays. At eleven years old I was fantasizing of having my birthday party at one of the coolest nightclubs in Vegas with a big cake and of course endless amount of alcohol. I can probably thank Paris Hilton for that fantasy. Naturally when I was old enough to start planning my own birthday parties around fifteen, each year after that kept getting closer to the fantasy. At sixteen my friends had a house party for me where before I even got to the party my face was in the toilet - but that did not stop me for continuing to drink all night. Seventeen is a blur but at eighteen I had an upper decker tricked out party bus with a bunch of underage kids drinking on our way to a school dance. Then the big nineteen came along. From the looks of the party one would have thought I was turning twenty-one. My backyard was decorated with white tents with leather couches, plexi glass over the pool, black draping, white flowers everywhere, and a black and white dance floor to match the black and white themed masquerade of course.
From the outside my birthdays looked like a dream come true. But when the party was over and the booze and drugs wore off, I was empty. The parties, trips, alcohol, drugs, and dinners were all to be seen and accepted by others. Typically to get the attention of whomever my love interest was at the time. The memory that sticks out to me the most is the night of my nineteenth birthday at the black and white masquerade. I had an amazing boyfriend at the time that literally would kiss the floor I walked on but it was not enough for me. I still fantasized about another guy who I invited to my party.
The whole night instead of being with my family and boyfriend I spent it trying to impress this other guy by drinking with his friends and being a flirt. By the end of the night I was in a dark room with him and right before anything could even happen by boyfriend flips the light on. Now nothing happened but it sure looked like it. The next thing I know I am chasing my boyfriend out the house with tears running down my face. It really was a sight to see. Picture a girl with big 70s style curly hair and a sparkly dress running in high heels after a moving car. Priceless.
See if I would have drank alcohol and used drugs for a good time maybe I would not have had such a problem. But the truth is I used these substances to mask myself from pain and insecurity. I never felt like I was enough or comfortable in my own skin. Now in my twenties and one year, 4 months, and 30 days sober I have a better understanding of who I am. I am enough. I no longer need the attention of men to make me feel worthy of my love. I no longer need the sparkle, money, and illusion to feel special.
People keep asking me what I am doing for my birthday and are surprised when I tell them my highlight of today is simply being able to go to yoga and write my blog. Last year on my first birthday being sober I felt empty by not having a grand celebration and I could not wrap my head around why I felt that way. This year I found the answer because now I feel whole by knowing that life is not always about the grand gestures but about the simple, artistic, and heartfelt moments.
May ever day feel like it is your birthday.
One day, one moment, and one step at a time.
Xoxo,
The Sober Birthday Hippier
