Sobriety and Sex
A newly sober and celibate female walks into an ultra exclusive sex masquerade. In your typical Hollywood movie this female would probably end up high and having sex by the end of the night but this is my story – which is far from typical. The little lie I told myself going into this party was that my intentions on going to this event was to do research for acting. But of course the addict in me just had to dive into the deep end. Before I knew it I am in a red lite bedroom with a beautiful rich man offering me a line of cocaine. I was able to resist the drugs but the man's sensitivity and expertness in seduction was hard to resist. But as my dress started to slide off my back I realized I could no longer have a sexual experience like this. This night I chose to stay celibate and sober but it did open up Pandora’s box.
When I opened this box I expected to find a new life of sexuality in sobriety but to follow the true Greek myth, I found more evil than good. I often get told “well you didn’t use that much” or “you weren’t sleeping with a bunch of people so you obviously were not addicted.” First of all what is too much or what is a bunch? We all have different standards of what is too much for us. Addictions are not just about how much or often you use but they are also addictions for the reasons why you use people and things. Which leads me into my realization of my own sexual addictions.
I recently felt like I had fallen off the wagon when I decided to have sex with someone from my past. At first I thought it would not have much of an effect on me since I was being honest about my intentions. I thought because I wasn't using drugs that it would be a clean and honest experience. But it didn’t take long until the truth started to seep through every pore of my body. I knew I had stepped into dangerous territory the moment I took in the scent of my exes flowery marijuana cologne covered skin. In this moment I remembered a photo I saw on Instagram of these two souls having sex and seeing how their souls blended reminded me that when you have sex or even kiss another soul you take part of them with you.
I knew then deep in my core that I had fallen into my own trap of using others for my own selfish reasons. Sex and relationships should be an exchange of giving and receiving all parts of each other. Not one person only accepting parts of the other and rejecting the rest. I felt empty after because I knew I could not accept him for all that he is. Before being sober it was easy to discount others needs and use them. I was numb - I did not listen to my intuition.
Sex addicts are not just your stereotypical nymphos but people like me who will use sex to mask other parts of themselves. I would not call myself an expert in sober dating but I can say I can no longer date the way I did prior to sobriety. It may feel good to release all the pent up energy but once the euphoria is over all I am left with are pieces of a soul I do not want and lost pieces of myself I need. I want to give just as much as I receive.
